She's more than just "our girl"

We always said we wanted one of each - a boy and a girl that is- and we'd stop at four. As if we really had any say in the matter. That was our story and we were sticking to it. Easy peasy, right?

It took us over a year to get pregnant with Christian. By the time we decided to try for number two, we were surprised, pleasantly surprised, with how quickly it happened! Baby boy number two was on his way. We welcomed Nolan a short 20 months after Christian :)

Christian McCoy

Nolan Augustus

Life with two boys was an adventure. Two totally different personalities made for lots of fun but also chaos. Life was great. It really was. And yet the questions from people ensued... When were we going to try for "our girl".

We ignored them. We took our time and enjoyed our boys. When WE were ready, we would try for baby number three. In July of 2013 we discovered I was pregnant! We were so excited and although we knew better, shared our excitement early on with the boys. We called our baby Baby Bean ❤️

But early on, I felt in my heart something wasn't right. I kept telling Justin I didn't FEEL pregnant. I tried to brush off the overwhelming feelings, but they wouldn't go away. When we went in for our first ultrasound, our worst fear was confirmed. I can still hear the words,"I'm sorry guys, I can't find a heartbeat." Although this was the same beloved, trusted doctor who had delivered Christian and Nolan, when he asked if we wanted a second opinion, we said yes, clinging to any shred of hope. Immediately following that appointment we went to a building close by the hospital for a second ultrasound. Same result: no heartbeat.

Miscarriage is rarely talked about. Unfortunately, now I can understand why. It is the single hardest thing our marriage has had to endure thus far. I blamed myself. I hated the world. I took comfort in knowing our baby was with God and yet still questioned Him: WHY? Justin and I argued a lot. We did. I tried to shut him out. We were both in so much pain and trying to figure out our own feelings and at the same time explain to the boys what had happened. I often cried on the way to taking them to school. It was a nightmare. I think about our baby every day and wonder what would have been.

But here's the thing, and ultimately the reason for me sharing our journey, God has a plan for each of us.  I really believe that. And so days away from our our little girl turning two, I've been reflecting a lot on God's plan for our family. I can't wrap my brain around knowing God knew all along Soria was coming.

After losing our baby, it took us close to another year to get pregnant with Soria. We held our breath during that first ultrasound and cried tears of joy when we heard her tiny heart beat for the first time. We were crazy excited when we found out she was a she! Although, we didn't think we were capable of having girls, so we had multiple ultrasounds done to confirm :)

Other than the usual aches and pains associated with pregnancy, everything was smooth sailing until the day she was born.

I was induced the morning of June 10th 2015. After they broke my water things moved really fast. So fast the epidural didn't do much at all :(  And then after thinking all was good, our world stood still.

I can close my eyes and picture it like it was yesterday. I knew something was not right.  I  never looked up but I could feel the presence of multiple people surround me. And then it became clear. Her shoulders were stuck. I kept my eyes closed and focused in on my doctor's voice. I only listened to her.

I'm honestly not sure how much time passed before she was out, but they quickly held up her seemingly lifeless body for a very brief moment before taking her away. Justin didn't get to cut the cord; I didn't get to hold her.

We heard someone say to page Dr something, and without knowing who that really was, we knew he was the neonatal dr on call, the office we had walked past multiple times that morning, never thinking we'd meet him... all I could do was cry and pray.

After a small eternity had passed, we finally heard her cry. She was bruised up, but otherwise ok! I give all the credit to Dr. Blevins She quickly took control of the situation, yet was calm throughout the whole ordeal and in turn kept us calm and reassured. (Dr. Peck, thank you for leaving me in such capable hands. Rest in peace.) The nurses were all amazing as well!

So you see, Soria isn't just "our girl." She represents so much more. She completes our family puzzle. She's a fighter. She represents hope after loss. She's example of the power of prayer. She is a symbol of faith in God that He has a plan - a great plan for all of us- even though we may stumble along the way.

Soria Annalee, our almost 2-year-old going on 13 :)